


Darcy’s Really Awesome Harem Adventures: a folk tale by Luis

by emma98



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Loki goads Darcy into starting a harem, Multi, Silly, bdsm sort of?, everyone lives no one dies ever, luis is a reliable and awesome narrator, risque scenes but no well defined explicit smut, voyuerism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-23 13:55:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16160267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emma98/pseuds/emma98
Summary: Points at title.Loki challenges Darcy to a harem-off.  Who can build it bigger better buffer?Luis recounts the tale of how Darcy got her groove on.  And on.  And on.





	Darcy’s Really Awesome Harem Adventures: a folk tale by Luis

**Author's Note:**

  * For [phoenix_173](https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenix_173/gifts).



> Happy belated birthday to dearest Phoenix. My captain corruptor. My hot baby cougar. You are the best and I adore you. 
> 
>  
> 
> Only you could have inspired this ridiculousness.
> 
> Super awesome thank you to the massive team talented ragwitch/queens puppet for beta ing and egging me on in my ridiculousness!

* * *

  
  
_ Thanos was finally whooped good, and everyone totally came back to life and were 100 percent a-okay and no one died or lost anymore limbs or eyes or anything and the big battle actually sort of kind of put a lot of things into perspective, you know, revolving around the general butt hurted-ness of Tony Stark and Captain America. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ However, in the crazy 'oh-my-god-we're-alive-and-we-won-and-now-what-do-we-do' euphoric aftermath, a few things were missed by everyone, including Ms. Natasha Romanoff at first (but don't tell her I said that at all).   _ _  
_ _  
_ _ 1\.  Shuri and Peter somehow managed to obtain two of Doctor Jane Foster's portal devices and put them in their bedroom closets.  So far, they had spent the last three months using their ridiculously high powered transportation machines to have epic slumber parties in Queens and Wakanda with their assorted friends. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ 2\.  Pepper Potts had stopped drinking caffeine.  It was kind of a big deal. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ 3\.  Peter Quill changed the shape of his goatee and he was still sulking in the universe out there that no one had said anything.   _ _  
_ _  
_ _ 4\.  Loki and Darcy became friends, and according to Doctor Banner, this is signaling the start of another apocalypse. _ _  
_ _  
_ _  
_ _ 5\.  Bruce Banner changed his tea blend, which really gave him a different way to--- _ _  
_ _  
_

* * *

  
  
"Hold up---what?" Jane looked up from the report that the self-appointed Avenger's information liaison had handed her.  She and Thor had been missing from the base for two months now, having left for interplanetary missions following Thanos' defeat.  The moment she had landed from the Bi-Frost, she'd been handed a sheet of paper from the man she barely recognized and began to read his very long memo.   
  
"I used Grammarly, so it should be totally tight, you know, as far as grammar goes," Luis defended himself.  "I mean, I was an Art History major, so I totally think I'm allowed to use a word aide to get my writing up to par.  And when I give my updates in writing instead of spoken form, I'm less likely to get a weapon pointed at my head."   
  
"No, the grammar is, I'm pretty sure it's good?" Jane shrugged.  She pointed at number four on the list of fifty-two items. "What is this about?"   
  
"Oh, right, yeah, well, I mean, Loki is in Norway, technically, which is where your Big Kahuna went to, while you came here," Luis reminded Jane helpfully, although with the way she was blinking at him, he doubted she was thankful for the help.  "But I mean, for a while, before the Asgardians started their colony in Norway, Darcy and Loki like---bonded?"   
  
"Oh no," Jane whispered.   
  
"No worries, Doc, it's like a sibling thing between them, I think, she's DEFINITELY not trying to hit that," Luis reassured her.  "Cause if you go to Addendum D on the memo, you'll see I've like, compiled a totally dope list of basically who is sharing bodily fluids, but in a respectful way.  I mean, sure, Fury and Hope's mom was surprising, but it makes sense, because they really complement each other in a---"   
  
"I don't care, I don't care," Jane whispered frantically as she rushed through pages to see if she could find Addendum D.  "Look, Thor and I made a decision, fairly early on in our relationship that we were never going to let Loki and Darcy meet because if they did---"   
  
"Oh, right, you're going to want to see the ongoing live document memo about all of the shit they got up to," Luis nodded in acknowledgement while he went to play with his fancy watch that the King of Wakanda himself had given him for keeping him updated on Shuri's fairly innocent dabbling in polyamorous relationships with Peter, Michelle and Ned.  "And, I just sent you the memo on that, if you can open it as read-only, that'd be totally tight, because it's a living document and only I can add new items."   
  
"If they did meet, then we would probably have to worry about the end of the universe," Jane sighed.   
  
"But in a really kind of fun and witty way, right?" Luis moved his hands back and forth with a hopeful smile.  He saw that Jane was trying to find Darcy on the relationship addendum and he offered as gently as he could, "She's on page two and five and—-."   
  
"Two.  AND Five?" Jane's eyes were wide and fearful.   
  
"Yeah, for Barnes and Rogers," Luis supplied.   
  
"Two different relationships in the span of two months?" Jane shook her head in disbelief.  "Darcy usually takes six months to cleanse her palate."   
  
"Doubt she needed to do that, I mean, mouthwash or mints would work," Luis countered, a blush appearing just barely on the apples of his cheeks.  "See, uhm, it’s not so much a two different relationship thing. It's like---see, it all started with a bet with Loki."   
  
"Oh no," Jane whispered.  She sighed and shrugged helplessly.  "Please Luis, tell me everything."   
  
Jane had never seen an adult's face radiate such joy before.   
  
"Alright, so let's rewind--with that scratchy scribbling noise that means we're rewinding a VHS tape from Blockbuster to see that part in Dirty Dancing where you might see a little bit of Swayze's junk.  You had just bounced into space and infinity and beyond with your newly rekindled hunka hunka burning God-love and the going away party had gotten a little predictable and hella boring."   
  
  


* * *

  
**_Two months ago_ ** **_  
_ **

  
"It feels like we're stuck in boxes.  Like, oh you were in the Thor movie, you should stand here with the rest of the the Thor movie people."   
  
Loki looked up from his place on the couch, where the rest of the party--save for Banner, the Asgardians and the rest of their cohorts--were treating him with the utmost caution.  Sure, the last time he had seen most of them, he'd been attempting to take over their planet, but he'd absolutely, totally changed. Mostly. He wasn't about murdering anymore.   
  
Unless it was Thanos.  He had taken a lot of healthy, well-balanced joy from helping the blue and green ladies murder Thanos.   
  
"I wasn't aware we had been in movies," Loki answered the tiny, but somehow statuesque brunette who had flopped on the couch right next to him, a smile on her painted red lips.   
  
"No, but I mean, if you were looking at this motley crew of approximately ninety-three super-powered people and super-powered adjacent people, you would think, I could make a shit-ton of movies.  Like---he gets a trilogy, she gets a trilogy," the brunette began pointing at other random party goers, who really were grouped according to very set social cliques.    
  
Sure there was the random mashups, with Scott Lang currently chatting with Sam Wilson and Natasha Romanoff, but normally, everyone kind of segregated at these events.     
  
"And what, pray tell and forsooth and other such Britishisms, do I get?" Loki demanded.   
  
"You get to be in like---nine movies, and then have your own twelve episode, Emmy award winning, R-rated Netflix standalone project," she answered back immediately, apparently quick thinking enough to go toe-to-toe with the God of Mischief.  She winked at him and shrugged, "FYI, you have to show your butt a couple of times. And the big controversy revolves around the whole HORSE thing."   
  
Sif snorted loud enough behind him for Loki to turn and narrow his eyes in a way that was sort of playful and sort of like---damn son, you undressing her with your eyes or what?   
  
"And what, Miss---"   
  
"Darcy," she supplied with a nearly identical smirk to Loki's own.     
  
_...really, are they like, distantly related?  Maybe Loki was her great grand-something, I mean, he's kind free wheeling and free loving and free sampling with his genetic material. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Luis, please. What happened? _

  
"And I would be in a series of little short youtube videos where I accidentally run into someone muscled, sweating and heroic, and the video is just me making high pitched vowel sounds and pointing at their nose for five full minutes," Darcy rattled off confidently.  "Most of the videos get about five million hits, but the ones with Natasha somehow get over five hundred million."   
  
"Seems to be quite right," Loki nodded.  He watched his new best friend carefully as Darcy looked around the party, her gaze settling on the 'Captain America' movie franchise area of the bar, where two large figures were standing shoulder to shoulder, staring over the party respectfully, but definitely bored.  Respectfully bored.    
  
Loki grinned and poked Darcy in the shoulder, "Have you got a harem, then Darcy?"   
  
"A who in the what now?"    
  
"Loki!" Sif hissed from behind him, reaching out a capable hand and swatting at his head.   
  
To his credit, he didn't flinch away from her touch, if anything, he angled into it more, like the kinky little fucker he is.  And to Darcy's credit, she looked back at Sif, waggled her eyebrows and demanded a fist bump which the warrior goddess actually reluctantly gave her.   
  
"She is a part of the Thor movie franchise," Loki defended himself.  "Clearly, she deserves one."   
  
"Do I?" Darcy looked hopefully at Sif, who didn't have the heart to crush her hopes.  When Sif nodded at her, Darcy got on her knees on the couch and began clapping in excitement.  "I'm gonna have the biggest harem ever!"   
  
"Please, don't dream so high, Princess," Loki waved her assertion ever.  "I shall have the largest harem, you know, when everyone here doesn't want me dead so badly.  Again."   
  
"I could assemble a really big harem," Darcy insisted.  "I mean, I'm in an environment where men outnumber me, at seven to one at least.  I should be able to acquire seven people to attend to my every whim and desire."   
  
"I like you," Loki announced needlessly, because his proud smile said it all.  "However, where would you even begin? Fandral has space crabs, so that's a no go for you, I'd bet."   
  
"Stop telling people that I have space crabs!" Fandral shouted, but was quickly zapped to the ground by wayward green magic.     
  
Darcy looked around the party again, her gaze landing on the matched set of geriatric super soldiers.  She bit at her bottom lip, looking as if she were about to sit on Santa's lap and ask for something that she didn't really earn, but really wanted anyway.     
  
"You just watch," Darcy hopped off of the couch and bounced on the tips of her toes, looking like she was warming up before beginning the one hundred yard dash.  "I'm gonna get me my harem.”

* * *

  
  
** **_Present_ ** **   
  
"You all are idiots.  Idiots," Jane sighed.   
  
"Yeah, I know.  It gets better," Luis promised her, but then shook his head and giggled in delight.  "I mean, it doesn't, but it totally does.   
  


“I have to go talk to her,” Jane insisted. “I don’t know if it’s to try and talk some sense into her or ask if she’s sore or if she stretches properly—-“

 

“Oh, you can’t talk to her right now. She has private time blocked off from eight am to eleven am,” Luis supplied helpfully.  “It’s all right there in addendum 7, attachment G.”

 

Jane went flying through papers again and looked back up at Luis in confusion, “Darcy’s Harem Hot times?!?”

 

“Without the schedule being published it got a little awkward.  Or a lot awkward. It got mega hella awkward, Doc.”

  
**  **_One month and 29 days ago_ ** **   
  
  
"Where are we going again?  I'm not down with you taking me to get my ass kicked by Scottie again," Sam 'Whiny-ass' Wilson whined like a whiny person as Ms. Natasha Romanoff expertly led him down a hallway.  He rolled his eyes as many times as he could as he spewed out in monotone, "Scottie Lang whooped my ass based off of his expert intel from his brother from another mother, Luis Lozado, and I may never recover from the expert whoopassing that occurred on that day.  Oh god, oh god, please don't let it be Scottie."   
  
( _ Then he looked far off into the distance like he was Jim on the Office, but whatever, we all know it's true and that my boy whooped his ass _ )   
  
"Have I ever steered you wrong?" Ms. Natasha Romanoff questioned back, in that expert way of hers.  She's perfect and it's not because she could obliterate anyone's manhood from far across the room, or anything.   
  
"There was that time you told me that the hot sauce Steve used wasn't so bad," Sam reminded her helpfully.  "It took Helen three weeks to regrow my taste buds."   
  
"Yes, but now they're bionic taste buds and you can taste more than the average human," Ms. Natasha Romanoff helpfully and skillfully supplied, looking very smart and capable and strong and like---super helpful, you know?   
  
"I like umami now," Sam agreed.  "where are we going again? Seriously, Nat."   
  
"You'll see," Ms. Natasha Romanoff smiled serenely, leading Sam down the hallway towards one of the extra large binary augmented retro-framing (or  B.A.R.F.) rooms where Tony was trying to build new training scenarios to put the heroes through their paces, just in case anything worse than Thanos ever tried to come and destroy the universe or whatever that giant purple blob was trying to do...badly.   
  
When she punched in an access code and the doors slid open, she could not have been prepared for what greeted her, even if she is the most capable person on the face of the planet and has never been surprised ever.  Ever. Really, really ever.   
  
Except this time, the B.A.R.F. room was set up to look like a roller rink.  Steve Rogers was laying on the heavily lacquered wooden floor, naked. Absolutely totally in the buff naked, and the disco lights of the procsimile roller rink were really doing amazing things to the sweat that was glistening off of his---naked everything.   
  
On top of Steve, was clearly Bucky Barnes.  Also totally naked. Also, very nicely and beautifully lit up by the disco lights.     
  
And on top of Bucky, was Darcy Lewis.  And not only were the disco lights doing fantastic things for her naked everything, but also, the bouncing---   
  
**   
  
"LUIS! FOCUS!"   
  
"Oh sorry, my bad.  Okay, ahhm---just give me a---I just need a second.  Usually I have to write these things down, so I have, privacy?  Or no, that sounds perverted. I'm good, it's fine they were playing canasta.  But like sexy canasta. Sex Canasta. They were having really healthy sandwich sex.  Like a club sandwich where Bucky Barnes is the bread sandwiched in between two other really sexy sandwiches."   
  
"Luis, oh my god, any other day, this would be awesome, really, but get to the point."   
  
**   
  
  
"What in the hell, man?!  WHAT! In the FUCK?" Sam yelled at the door of the B.A.R.F. training room.  "Steve, no, no! You shouldn't be...doing any, any, any of that!"   
  
Bucky managed to murder stare at Sam without breaking his avid bouncing between Steve's body and Darcy's body.     
  
"If you are not jumping in, either with action or juice boxes, then leave," Bucky grumbled, sounding hella Russian.   
  
Ms. Natasha Romanoff, perfection in human form, took a very assertive step forward, ready to lend a helping hand wherever it was needed.  But Sam Wilson, trained idiot, put his hand on her shoulder to stop her.   
  
Darcy made a very cute little moaning sound, and the moan was echoed in more manly fashion, trickling down the still going, very active and interactive boning.  Ms. Natasha Romanoff, the greatest G.O.A.T. that ever was, turned and pouted at Sam.   
  
"You said you wanted more adventure.  Darcy needs a harem, and I like the way her lips work," Ms. Natasha Romanoff stated succinctly and perfectly.   
  
"Adventure to me means sex in the shower, not having a five-some with one of my best friends and his hairy and freezer burnt soul mate," Sam shrugged helplessly and looked appropriately pathetic.  "But, I mean, I totally understand that I'm not enough to satisfy someone as amazing and perfect as you on my own, so, if this is what you want."   
  
Ms. Natasha Romanoff was amazing, truly.  Beautiful and deadly and perfect. And for some reason, she stepped away from the hottest sex adventure she could have, and put her hand in Sam Wilson's and waved forlornly at the still doing it male on male on female threesome, walking away for a life of really boring shower sex with an idiot who is basically Scottie's punching bag.   
  
** **_Present_ ** **   
  
"See, Thor warned me that Loki knowing Darcy would make her...bolder than she normally was.  Usually she would have at least tried to have some sense of shame," Jane sighed.   
  
"Oh no, Doc, that shame is like---so gone it's not even funny," Luis looked delighted at this.  "I mean, it was bad enough with just Steve and Bucky, but then she kind of realized that a harem needed more than two dudes in it, and Sam and Ms. Natasha Romanoff were not an option so, you know.  Johnny Storm happened."   
  
Jane's mouth fell open, her lips forming a perfect 'o' shape.     
  
Luis nodded and shrugged, "Yeah, that was kind of surprising to me too."   
  
** **_One Month and fifteen days ago_ ** **   
  
  
"Tag, you're it!"   
  
The children's laughter was truly adorable. The children were truly adorable.  Even though, yeah, they weren't technically children anymore. They were young adults, late in their teens.  Shuri was starting a research fellowship at MIT in a few weeks, Peter and Ned were enrolled as freshmen at the same University, and Michelle was even enrolled in an art school in the same general area.     
  
But still, as they played tag throughout Tony's lab with an amalgamation of Stark tech and Shuri tech, they were definitely still kids, hand holding and cheek kissing notwithstanding.   
  
"I told you to stop that!" Tony called out sharply, looking tired and skittish, like he had dealt all night with a secretly pregnant wife who had sent him out and about the upper one-third of New York state in the search of sugar free butterscotch pudding, kalamata olives and just the right kind of generic, off brand chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies.  "You're gonna start another apocalypse, stop melding tech without the proper forms filled out first---fucking Christ, I can't believe I sound like this now. I sound---responsible."   
  
Tony shivered, but looked resigned to his fate.  And maybe a little happier at the same time.   
  
"But Mr. Stark, we got the forms, Miss Darcy stamped them and everything," Peter disputed, jumping out of the way as Shuri and Michelle sent a mini-arc reactor powered nerf dart at his head.   
  
"WHAT? Friday, where is she?  We talked about this," Tony sighed.  "I'm so disappointed I can't even see straight. And it's driving me crazy that I sound like the dad from Full House right now."   
  
"What's Full House?" Ned questioned, hiding under a desk from all of the, more vicious, tag-playing.   
  
"I can't with you right now.  Just---just, you're not allowed to talk until I calm down," Tony pointed at Ned very sternly, then looked down at his finger as if it had betrayed him.  "Friday, get me Lewis."   
  
"Uhhhmmm," Shuri looked as if she were going to say something when Michelle slapped two hands over her mouth and gave her a slow shake of her head in the negative.     
  
"She's in the fifth floor locker room," Friday revealed.   
  
"Uhmmm, but Mr. Stark you should know that-" Peter went to speak when both Michelle and Shuri tackled him to the floor.   
  
"Monitor the kids, Friday, PG guidelines," Tony ordered before turning and stomping towards the elevator.  He stewed the entire ten second ride and his rage and fire burned as he walked into the fifth floor locker room that was meant to be a locker room for the shooting range.     
  
He had very little to rage about lately.  He was happily married to the most amazing person in the world.  There was peace in the universe and amongst all of his friends and coworkers.  And he had spent the entire evening getting snacks to satiate the headstrong bun in his lady's oven.  He had no reason to really get in a tizzy anymore. Darcy was usually very competent and awesome, but he was going to really have to take his mild unused rage on her at the moment.   
  
"LEWIS!  HOW DARE YOU!" He shouted as he used his quick override on the lock to the locker room.  "I trusted you and-oh shit that's so much ass."   
  
Darcy was sitting on a locker room bench, leaning back so that she was reclined against a row of lockers.  She was wearing a bra, but Tony assumed she was having a Winnie the Pooh nudity moment in that she wasn't wearing bottoms.  He didn't see any of the good bits, because currently someone's head was blocking the view.   
  
Oh his knees and naked as a jaybird was Johnny Storm and if Darcy's blissful expression was anything to go by, he was applying himself properly at the task at hand.  Standing on either side of the coupling pair ---also very nude---were Steve and Bucky.    
  
Each had a little wooden paddle in their hand, and from the various shades of red on Johnny's ass, it was clear that they had been using the paddle to motivate Johnny.   
  


And it was very clear that Johnny was enjoying it, with the enthusiastic wriggling of his spanked rump, wordlessly begging for more. 

  
"Did she tell you to stop?" Bucky demanded, murder voice and glare game strong, because Johnny had stopped applying himself correctly to little Miss Lewis. 

  
Darcy moaned loud and long as Johnny clearly continued.   
  
"Not now, Tony," Steve intoned with as much dignity as he could, seeing as he had been caught by his friend, naked as a jaybird with three other lovers.  "We're busy."   
  
"I--I---this is so unfair," Tony whispered.  "This used to be a typical Monday afternoon for me, and now it's two old soldiers and a has been reality tv superhero and this is just so unfair.  I'm so old."   
  
"Yes, congratulations," Bucky offered, murder voice and glare slightly lessened when he addressed Tony.  He then turned the volume back up to twenty when he stared down at Storm and moved with catlike efficiency to get another smack to land on the man's glowing red bottom.  "Give our girl what she needs or you'll be punished!"   
  
"Oh God," Tony whined before turning and making a run for it.  He didn't want to stay and watch the punishment, because anymore and he was going to have to ask his pregnant wife how she felt about a mostly sausage filled harem.   
  
* **_*One Month Ago**_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ **   
"Mantis, you are ill suited for contests of strength, intellect, and beauty."   
  
"Ouch, dude," Scott looked at the giant blue-ish red veined guy who had certainly been very helpful in battling Thanos, but probably wasn't the most conversationally polite of people.   
  
"No, he's right!" Mantis agreed, only slightly mournful.   
  
"But that's just not true, you know that right?" Scott reasoned.   
  
"You, small and large bug-man, you are also ill-suited for contests of strength, intellect and beauty," Drax declared calmly and magnanimously.  "Also, you are not as observant as I am. Clearly."   
  
"Clearly," Scott repeated snidely, his face pinching up in that seriously adorable sarcastic face that he has.  "Look man, this is not how this is going down. We're going to do our training exercise together and the entire time we're doing this, you are not going to insult Mantis, OR me."   
  
"I'll die," Drax declared calmly.  "My body can withstand untold adversity, but I can't lie to your unimpressive faces."   
  
"Mantis, bug-sister of mine?" Scott wondered.   
  
"Yes, bug brother," Mantis smiled serenely at Scott.     
  
"Put him to sleep."   
  
"NO---"   
  
" _ Sleep _ ."   
  
The large crash of Drax's body was a nice sound, it was way, way, way better than him non-stop, calmly insulting everyone else on the team.  This was Captain Carol's mandate, everyone was to run drills in every varying combinations of team members. She ran a much tighter ship that Captain Steve.  Especially since Steve was getting regularly satisfied in the bedroom area of his life. And the janitor's closet area of his life. And the locker room area of his life.  And that one time in the tree outside by the lake.   
  
"Alright, let's see if my non-strength-having, low-intellect, ugly and unobservant self can drag this hunk of beef into Fury's office," Scott reached out and grabbed one of Drax's meaty paws, trying in vain to budge him.  "Ugh, can you open the door while I find Wanda? We could use some super power lifting here."   
  
Mantis nodded cheerfully before going to the office where she dealt with Fury's massive migraines on the regular.  The man had an entire football field's worth of super powered people, aliens and critters. If he tried to leave them unsupervised for more than twelve hours, it was usually chaos.   
  
"OH!  Is this a theatre performance?" Mantis questioned loudly.   
  
Scott stopped poking at Drax's pec with his boot and walked warily towards Fury's office.   His eyes widened and he shook his head very very slowly.   
  
Steve was on his back on the desk and Darcy was definitely riding him like a star spangled bronco.  But Bucky was atop Darcy, straddling Steve's legs and he was definitely working in tandem with Steve, in what could definitely be described as a fully interactive threesome.     
  
Scott wasn't entirely shocked by that.  He had accidentally walked in on a similar arrangement, except it had been Bucky on the bottom, Johnny in the middle and Darcy on Johnny's back, while Steve attended to whatever he could get his hands on mouth on.     
  
What Scott was shocked at was that Mantis and he were not the only members of the audience this time.     
  
Clint and Laura Barton had first row seats and were watching with stone faces, holding hands.  Mantis walked to the married couple and put her hand over theirs and she sighed and nodded.   
  
"Yes, I agree, watching is stimulating and will reinvigorate you and your marriage," Mantis declared.  Darcy began to make broken, hoarse cries of intense orgasmic achievement and Mantis nodded in eager agreement, a smile on her face, "Excellent job, Darcy.  I would like to continue to watch."   
  
"No, uh, no," Scott shook his head, reaching for Mantis and dragging her out by her collar.  "You are not joining her really weird harem. Come on bug-sister. We have work to do."   
  
** **_Present_ ** **   
  
"Luis.  How many does Darcy have?"  Jane asked, clearly terrified at whatever the answer would be.   
  
"Well, see, the thing is, she kind of stalled out.  Cause of Barnes and Rogers? They're really territorial?" Luis explained with a shrug.  "And Johnny doesn't count cause he's really submissive and they kind of love it? And Clint and Laura just watch.  So I mean, it's really kinky, but the harem definitely isn't as big as Loki's."   
  
"Oh no, Loki actually got a harem too?  In Norway?" Jane questioned, really panicking now.   
  
"Yeah, it's kind of huge?  But I think that it's a lot to do with that hot as fuck Valkyrie person?  She went away for a week, and then came back with a Grandmaster, and a horse and this really adorable little space lady who has rainbow hair and is like---a therapist and she totally is fixing a lot of people we thought were kind of unfixable?" Luis shrugged.  "Loki is chill now, and that means his harem is ridiculous? I mean, he has Groot and Rocket..."   
  
"Oh god  _ no _ ," Jane whispered.  "I mean--how?"   
  
"Asexually.  They're asexuals," Luis clarified.  "But still. It's impressive. And Darcy conceded defeat because she loves her harem as is.  The only other two people they could agree on adding was---"   
  
"JANE!  JANE! MY JANE!" Thor came running, knocking one of the automatic doors off of its track as he grinned at her, bright and happy like the sun.  "Darcy has started a harem and the good Captain has extended an invitation to us!"   
  
"NO!" Jane shouted.  "She's like our sister!"   
  
"But---" Thor deflated.  "She's not like MY sister, MY sister was a homicidal maniac."   
  
"Thor," Jane sighed.   
  
"Maybe then, we can start our own harem?" Thor asked thoughtfully.     
  
"I'll join," Luis said quickly, looking overly eager as his eye darted between Thor and Jane.     
  
"Oh my god," Jane put her head in her hands.  "You're both already shirtless, aren't you?"   
  
"YES, yes we are," Thor and Luis chorused and then there was the sound of a delayed high five over Jane's head.   
  
"Okay, but we have to steal Valkyrie from Loki's harem, and I want to rent Johnny Storm from Darcy's harem," Jane dropped her hand from her eyes and looked at Luis with a slight smirk.  "Luis, tell me everything you know about how we can get Natasha and Sam too."   
  
"This is going to be the greatest period of my life," Luis whispered to himself.  He grinned and took a deep breath before beginning, "Okay, so, first off Sam Wilson is a capital F freak, but he doesn't want to admit it out loud---"

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! I hope to be back to regular updates within the next two weeks. You guys are awesome!!!
> 
> You can always find me at my tumblr. Wahwahwaffles.tumblr.com


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